sextherapy

Most of my practice is in the area of Sex Therapy;   approximately 75% of my clients are seeing me due to some sort of sexual dysfunction.

Sexual dysfunction is the overall name given to disorders, or problems, in the area of Human Sexuality. It can cover a very wide range, and does NOT necessarily mean that something is wrong with either partner.

Sex therapy often helps when the couple has a difference in their sex drive.   Neither partner is "abnormal" -- there is just a difference in the frequency or needs of the individuals involved. My job, as a therapist, is to explore where the problems are, and to try to encourage, or teach, one or both individuals different ways of expressing themselves, in order to meet their partner's needs, as well as their own. Both partners need to be flexible; it is counterproductive to point fingers and blame, and say it is "your fault".

Sex therapy is also the only recourse when one partner has developed a way of expressing themselves sexually that is uncomfortable for the other partner. These things have usually developed long before the partner even came along. Some-times, the person is able to mask or disguise the problem, but invariably, if the relationship carries on, it will emerge. The other partner may tolerate it for a while, but at some point, will insist upon counselling.

These problems may range from fetishes, to BDSM, to cross-dressing, to sexual addiction, to lack of sexual desire, to sexual orientation, for example, or a combination of the above. Ideally, both partners will share a common desire for whatever they find erotic. However, it is not an ideal world. We don't walk around with labels on our foreheads saying "BDSM" etc. When sexuality becomes problematic, it is time to see a sex therapist.

Both partners must be willing to be active participants in Sex Therapy. If one partner is perfectly happy and content with their sexuality, there is no point in the other partner telling me that they want me to "Change" him/her. It can not, and will not happen. You are wasting your time, my time, and your money.

Sex Therapy does not, EVER, consist of touching, or physically exposing oneself. There is NO Physical component to Sex Therapy while in the Sex Therapist's office. You will be given "homework" to do AT HOME.   It is illegal for a therapist to touch their client in a sexual way, or to have a client touch a therapist in a sexual way.   This is one of the reasons why it is imperative that the therapist you choose belong to a Professional Organization (OSP, OACCPP, MFCA, OPA, or the College of Physicians & Surgeons).

All professional organizations have a very clear and strict Code of Ethics, as well as an ethics committee to investigate complaints from the general public, and to remove a therapist's licence if they are found guilty. If the therapist does not belong to a professional organization (see FAQ's), you still have recourse through the Police, but the Professional Organizations can, in many ways, yield more power. They will also keep a record of all complaints and intervene if they sense there is a pattern or danger to the public. The police, unfortunately, often get involved after the damage is done, and the therapist has crossed the line.

With Sex Therapy, clients are often quite shy, and feel very uncomfortable discussing such intimate details and behaviours about themselves. This is perfectly normal. It is also normal to have a few sessions, whereby you (the client) assesses your level of comfort with the therapist before you are ready to discuss the real reason you are visiting a therapist. The other areas / problems you have brought up are just "testing grounds". It is important that you do feel 100% comfortable with your therapist -- if not, do not continue. Go to another therapist!

You need not worry about being "judged". This is not the job of a therapist. If you are coming for help, then you are in pain, and unhappy with some aspect of your life or sexuality. Our goal, in therapy, is to explore what is bothering you, or causing you problems in this area (it may not be a problem, unless you perceive it to be so), and what you think is a desired outcome.

With sexual problems, one has to remember that they have often developed over a long time -- a very long time: usually in childhood, but possibly later if there was abuse or trauma. Therefore, therapy in this area does tend to take longer than traditional therapy. If therapy moves too fast, then it is unrealistic that behaviour, thoughts and attitudes will be changed long-term. This results in great frustration for the client and/or their partner, whom then feels that therapy has failed. I find it is often the partner who is pushing for change more rapidly, and this is most unfortunate for the client who is bound to get frustrated and discouraged.

One final aspect about Sex Therapy. As a Sex Therapist, I cannot look at sexual behaviour in isolation. This is ony one aspect of who you are as an individual. Your sexual behaviour, beliefs and attitudes are an inextricably intertwined element of who you are as a person. In examining the person, I need to understand the other components -- the background, the childhood, the family situation, the birth order and sibling constellation. So, these, too, are part of therapy. When I discuss family background and look at how the family interacted -- in particular, the parents, I am not getting "side-tracked." Our sexuality is an expression of who we are. These things help me understand who you are as a person.   Only then can I help you.