We ask ourselves  "Why?"  a million times, but have no answer. We are helpless, lost  and vulnerable. No one understands what we are going through.  We feel nothing but pain, loneliness and despair. 
Sooner or later, we all lose someone whom we love; a spouse, a child, a parent. 

It matters not whether it is through separation, or divorce or death.  The loss is still profound and excruciatingly painful.  

It matters not whether it is a spouse, a child or a parent.  The loss still tears our heart apart.  And our life.  

We become angered by our loss of control over our life.
We become angered by people who set time limits on how long we "should" grieve.    And, we become angry at the person who left us.  If we move beyond the pain.  

When we lose someone we love, we need  to grieve. It is a necessary step to being able to live life again.  Life will never be the same, we know that.  But at some point, we need to be able to resume our lifestyle as closely as possible to what it was before our loss.  No, it will never be the same.

Sometimes, however, people sink deeper and deeper into the black hole of depression, and are not able to resume their lives without help.   

I will gently hold you, comfort and cradle you, and give you a safe place to be.  When it is time, I will gently encourage you,.  At times I will lift you, and support you, and push you back up if you start to slide back down into the black pit of darkness.  But, I will do nothing, unless you ask..If you are not ready to move in any direction, we will do nothing, but stop and relax, and stay in our safe place.   


Unfortunately, I know only too well what bereavement is all about.  The love of my life, J. Wesley White, an Airline Pilot  to whom I was married to for 9 years,  was killed in a plane crash on September 28, 1991. I went through years of depression,  and  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It took many years for me to rebuild my life. I never thought I could, nor, at the time, did I want to.   

I was in 2 different support groups for young bereaved spouses. I can't say that either helped. In the first  group, most had lost their spouses to Cancer, and used to tell me that I was "lucky" it was a quick "end" . This caused me tremendous pain, because I certainly did not feel the least bit lucky.  How could they be so callous, and compare whether quick death is better than slow death. Neither are better. I was too wounded, however, to argue.  Each comment was another turn of the knife. 

The other support group was dominated by one French Canadian woman who monopolized the whole group.  She was so extremely needy, and so ignorant of the fact we were all in pain and needed to be heard. When you are in pain, however, your voice is weak, and so you withdraw because it is yet another situation which  is hopeless, and you have no control.  

Individual therapy was the only thing that did help me.  A kind, gentle and unconditionally accepting therapist who listened to my needs, who let me set the pace, and who helped me sort out my thoughts, which were confused and all over the place.   

I have no idea what pain you are going through.  I have no idea how special your relationship was  I promise you I will never say, "I know how you feel because ..." .
Because I don't know how you feel. I do know what pain is and we all feel it differently.    I do know that I can help.